Oh You've Got To Be Joking
by SasaskiHana
Summary: Sarah just wanted to finish her vacation, not get an extended one in a world full of deadly Shinobi. She asks the important questions. "Why don't Shinobi wear close toed shoes? Why is there Korea BBQ but no Korea? How do you guys know certain English words but not-" "Shut up or I will sacrifice you to Jashin-" "You already tried that earlier, dumbass." Oh, and she can't die.
1. Oh This Has to Be a Dream

Long towering trees swept in the overhead path, as small rays of sunshine peaks through the forest ceiling, the trees swaying in the breeze slightly. Birds sang and squirrels fretted about, and hummed of nature giving a rather peaceful light. Kakashi certainly thought so, as he leaned against a tree reading his beloved porn. He was on a mission, yes, but it wasn't anything special and he was just taking a small break to catch up on some Icha Icha. Nothing harmful, and it's not like something was going to happen.

That is until a girl suddenly materialized out of thin air, her confusion evident on her face as she stared around the forest in bewilderment. She was dressed simply, in these form fitting blue pants with a t-shirt, although there were two large purple bags, one was a travel case sitting at her side, and the other was at her waste held up by a strap. Another odd thing about her was her hair, wild and red, it blew around in the wind, practically lighting up when it caught sunlight. The girl adjusted her glasses nervously, and slowly walked over to a tree, sitting down looking frazzled.

She muttered to herself in a language Kakashi didn't recognized. It when then that he got a closer look at the girl's shirt.

He was on the shirt.

Kakashi's eyes zeroed in on the shirt, now recognizing himself, he noticed small key chains on her bag, namely, older versions of Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto Uzumaki, and himself, along with Orochimaru, Jiraiya and Tsunade. Kakashi watched this girl, noting that she was civilian, at her wrists and arms were thin, and clearly soft, she wasn't by any means muscular.

Judging by the overwhelming scent of flowers coming from her hair, and a another somewhat pleasant but strong scent coming from her cloths, Kakashi was positive this woman was not a Shinobi. She was by no means stealthy despite teleporting, her scented hair and cloths was potent enough to alert him to that.

She spoke in some different language as well. Kakashi sighed, he wasn't prepared to deal with this right now. He would have to have one of his inunin watch her while he completed his mission.

What a drag.

* * *

Sarah wasn't having the best day right now. Not twenty minutes ago she had been on her way back home from the airport, or, well, was going to meet her family, now she was in the middle of a forest. She had sat down, deciding she probably should try and figure this out while her legs stopped shaking from the shot. Sarah wasn't exactly scared, in fact, her and her sister had imagined several scenarios very much like this, only they would appear in a fictional story.

Sarah doubted she was in that type of position, no, she couldn't be in a story. It was possible she'd been teleported into another dimension, however, as she had no cell service here, non at all, and the trees were much larger that what she was used to.

The eighteen year old was puzzled, as she was half certain she was dreaming. It was a rather Alice and Wonderland lik experience, or perhaps Dorothy. Although she had neither experienced horrible weather that tossed her house around, not had she fallen down a whole chasing a white rabbit. "Fuck." She said, after realizing she wasn't exactly going to be teleporting back anytime soon. The girl stood, and looked around the area. It was probably a good idea for her to find a body of water and follow that. It may lead her to find whomever lived in this place.

Setting off after dusting herself off leaves and dirt, Sarah retrieved a compass from her bag. She knew she could just used the one on her phone, but she decided to turn it off and reserve power. She may need it come nightfall in order to navigate on the event she can't find a suitable camping spot.

Her journey was something she was, albeit not entirely, unprepared for. Sarah had always been a paranoid and over cautious person, which is why she always had a certain assortment of the bare necessities should she need them. Especially since she had been going overseas, she possess about ten days worth of clothing.

Upon finding a area of which she decided would be good enough to make camp, Sarah went through her things, now organizing based on usefulness. Her school things were all placed in a single bag, and all of her supplies would be set in another bag.

Sarah put everything that wouldn't be useful, her passport, student ID, make-up, laptop, unfit for the forest clothing, etc. Everything else went into her carrying bag.

In her important bag, would be her clothing, leaving out anything that wasn't mobile, like dresses or otherwise, her first aid kit, hygiene supplies like a toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, food, water bottle, compass, phone, phone charger, journal to document her movements, pen, extra pen, nail kit, chap stick, hand sanitizer, deodorant, and a few books she'd been reading that taught Japanese.

She was in the middle of learning the language, was barely fluent but knew enough to get her point across. Once that was done, she set about making a small hut out of sticks and fallen branches. Then she settle in for the night, covering herself with a blanket she'd brought along.

The following morning, Sarah awoke to just a single thing outside her room.

A dog.

A dog, with a hidden leaf symbol headband.

Sarah stared at the dog, her brain processing what she was seeing before her head fell back and she groaned. "Son of a bitch. Of fucking course." She knelt down in front of the dog.

"Do you understand me?" She asked, and it just stared at her. She decided to switch to Japanese.

_"Can you understand me now?" _It's ear twitched, and it's gaze on her sharpened. Her eyes narrowed. _"Alright, I know you're a ninja dog. Tell your master Kakashi that if he wants to spy on me he better not fucking watch me change, or bath, or piss or shit. You got that? I know he reads porn so he's obviously a closet pervert." _She spoke, watching the dog carefully, but it was a damn poker face master.

It just turned away from her, and walked away. Sarah glared at it while it left, before sitting back down. "Fuck me. I'm in a manga. Oh fuck. I'm in a world full of ninja... who's secrets are all inside my head and... wait.." She glanced down at her Kakashi shirt, then at her Naruto merch.

"Ah... that's why I'm being spied on. Time to change."

* * *

**Le chapter one. Tell what ya'll think of it, going for a more comedic approach with this one. **


	2. Conviently karmatic immortality

_Never expect something to be impossible. If you do, the universe will prove you wrong. When that happens, you have to fix your own mess, and maybe, the universe will cut you some slack. _

_But I doubt it._

* * *

"This is a dream. I'm dreaming. Yeah." Sarah muttered to herself. "I'm in denial. Fuck. Why does the weird shit always happen to me?! Why couldn't happen to Evie, the damn weeb would love this." The redhead was currently attempting to climb a tree, the reason was because a crow had stolen her necklace.

Sarah grabbed at a branch, before loosing her foot and slipping, she fell, hitting the ground with a resounding thud. "UGH! Ow, ow, ow.. son of a bitch that's gonna leave a bruise. HEY YOU STUPID CROW! GIVE IT BACK!" The crow in question just looked at her, and Sarah could swear to any god that it was smirking. "Fuck you, you stupid bird. Give it!" It just sat there on the top of the tree, almost taunting her. Sarah looked around on the ground for a rock to through at it.

That's when amist her angry cursing, she heard someone else curse. She paused for a moment, carefully moving into the bushes and quieting down. Sarah's heartbeat started to speed up as she realized someone was close by.

_Please, don't be a ninja. Don't be a ninja, don't be a ninja... _She prayed silently, hugging her knees close. Her belonging were hidden nearby, as she had been trying to hunt she didn't want to risk someone stumbling across them and stealing them. Especially not the one with her future tech and Naruto merch. That would be really bad.

Sarah kept herself as still and silent as possible as the voices and footsteps true closer. _"I could have sworn there was someone here."_ Someone spoke, and there was voice was somewhat familiar. Sarah peered out between the leaves, and then covered her mouth, her eyes widening.

In front of her, not far away from her hiding spot stood two men dressed in black cloaks with red clouds. _Oh fucking hell. Of fucking course. Oh fuck I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die... _Sarah panicked, as she watched the two Akatsuki.

_"Hidan. There's no one here. Let's go, we're wasting time."_ Kakuzu growled at his partner who sneered at the miser. _"Fuck off, I haven't sacrificed anyone in a while, and I need to kill someone soon... hey look."_ Hidan picked something off the ground, and Sarah felt her heart sink. It was her necklace... the stupid crow must have dropped it!

_"A necklace.."_ Kakuzu pointed out dully. Hidan smirked. _"So it's a girl that was here? Interesting, women don't usually travel alone. Hey look.." Sarah tensed. "Footprints... and a broken branch..."_ Hidan turned, facing her bush. Sarah tensed.

_Ok, I have two options, sit here and pray they don't figure it out, and make a run for it. No, running won't work. OK, I have my pepper spray on me, I need to be ready to use it and run. Hopefully Kakuzu will be to lazy to chase me. Please be to lazy to chase me... Oh god I'm gonna die. _

Sarah's hand trembled as she clutched her pepper spray desperately, as Hidan approached the bush. She heard a chuckle, and watched as the leaves were pushed aside revealing the man's face. "Found ya!" Sarah spray Hidan in the face, before using everything she had just launch herself from the bushes and snatching his scythe. Hidan scream in pain, before cursing at her. Sarah managed to hurl the scythe in the opposite direction, before taking off as fast as her legs could carry her.

She was never fast enough, as not seconds later Hidan caught up with her, moving in front of her easily, a long pointed blade in hand. Sarah knew he would go for her stomach, and dropped to the dirt before the spike touched her, rolling away from the maniac and kicking dirt in his face.

_"You little bitch! You'll pay for that! I'm gonna make you fucking scream!"_ Hidan yelled. Sarah scrambled to her feet and continued to run, only making it a meter before he had her by her hair.

_"Time to die!"_

A splitting pain came across her stomach, and she looked down to see the spear sticking out. Sarah screamed, mostly from fear, and violently shoved Hidan away, clutching her stomach. Hidan cackled licking away the blood. He drew his symbol into the dirt, his skin turning black and white.

_"Now, you die..."_ He told her, Sarah's heart pounded away, she didn't want to die, she didn't want to die painfully either. She definitely never thought she would die like this, though. She didn't even get to meet Naruto, which was like the must do when you enter the Naruto world.

The closet she got to the leaf village, was that stupid dog. These weren't even her favorite Akatsuki characters. Sarah's head fell, her hair covering her face as she hid her tears.

She was going to die...

Tears fell down her face as she held back sobs, wishing that she could have least seen her family one last time. Then she steadied herself, she wasn't going to die crying, there's only one thing you can control in your life, and that is your own reaction. She was going to die with her dignity in tact. Sarah closed her eyes, and waited for death.

Wait.

There was something wrong. Why wasn't she feeling pain? Didn't she get stabbed? Subconsciously, her hand drifted to her stomach, before her eyes widened. All she felt there was smooth skin, and a small whole in her clothing where the blade had pierced.

"What.." She whispered to herself, before looking up just had Hidan stabbed himself in the heart, and she gasped, feeling the knife, and falling backwards before of the pain. However, moments later, the pain vanished. The blood was still present, but there was no wound. Sarah lay there, and debated playing dead. Hidan cursed her out for dying, assuming she would be dead after that blow. If she played dead, they could leave the body there and she would be free of them...

However, the universe just loves messing up Sarah's plans. She tried to hold it back, she really did... but the flowers nearby were really starting to get to her senses, and the dirt was definitely not helping.

"AH-CHOO!" Sarah a sneezed, then cursed. Hidan paused on his way back to Kakuzu, as he turned back to look at her. Sarah sat there awkwardly holding her running nose, looking around desperately for something to wipe it with that wasn't her bloody shirt, before just using her sleeve.

"Excuse me, to you have a tissue?" She chose to ask Hidan, as a way to break the ice. He just stared at her, a look of rage and confusion on his face. "How the fucking hell are you alive?!" He demanded, and she stood, dusting herself off.

"I don't know. But for some reason, I guess I'm immortal." She informed the... immortal. She supposed it was amusing that this was the Akatsuki duo who she'd run into, now that she realized she basically can't die.

Well, she wasn't going to test out what she could and could not survive, but she was just going to say she was immortal until proven otherwise. "Immortal? What the hell do you mean immortal?" Hidan demanded, and Kakuzu began approaching them, barking at Hidan to get a move on before noticing that Sarah was still very much alive, but covered in blood.

"Why is she still alive?" Kakuzu asked. "Will you hurry up and kill her?" Hidan glared at Kakuzu before pointing angry at the girl. "She won't fucking die. Apparently, she's immortal." Kakuzu looked at Sarah. "Immortal? Impossible." Sarah looked at the miser, then at the crazy nutcase beside her, debating over running again. She probably wouldn't get away, even if she was immune to murder.

Hidan started arguing with Kakuzu, and Sarah started edging away, before Hidan suddenly shouted "Fine, I'll prove it!" He raised his scythe and swipped at Sarah, who ducked. "HEY!"

"HOLD FUCKING STILL!" Hidan cursed, trying to stab her. Sarah ducked his hit, and glared at him.

"NO!" Sarah yelled back.

"YOU CAN'T FUCKING DIE WHY ARE YOU FUCKING COMPLAIN BITCH?!"Hidan brought the Scythe down, and this time he moved with actual speed so Sarah couldn't dodge it, the blade sunk into her shoulder. Sarah bit her lip until it bleed (it immediately healed of course) to muffle her shout of pain.

Hidan pulled his scythe free of her shoulder, and as the pain slowly faded, Hidan pointed at her. "Look! See! I fucking told you!" Kakuzu looked at her now unscathed and bare shoulder. Sarah looked at her shirt in disappointment, she only had so many shirts after all, and that had also fucking hurt.

Sarah stood up, brushed herself off, then headed over to the bushes to retrieve her things to find a sweat or something to cover her falling apart shirt. "Where are you going?" Hidan asked, moving to stop her, only to pause when she pulled out her bag, and pulled out her jacket.

"Putting on clothing that isn't destroyed." Sarah responded, turning to them and crossing her arms. "So now what? You can't kill me, and I'm of no use to you. Can you guys just leave me alone and forget I exist?" Sarah asked, daring to hope they would just leave.

"How are you immortal?" Asked Kakuzu. "Is it a technique?" He asked. Sarah, knowing full well it wasn't a technique, decided on the next possible explanation that would make sense to them.

"No, Kekkei Genkai would be closer, although I'm not sure about that, I honestly didn't know about it until he killed me." She gestured to Hidan, before noting her necklace on the ground. She scooped it up and put it back around her neck, tucking it under her shirt this time so as not to loose it.

"A Kekkei Genkai?" Kakuzu hummed, before seemingly muttering to himself. "Worth a lot of money." Sarah paused, greatly uneasy about the idea of being sold. If he did move to sell her, she wouldn't allow that, or well, she supposed it would depend to whom she was being sold to. If she would be able to escape from them or not.

If she knew she couldn't, she would reveal she knew secret about the Akatsuki. If she could, she would just have to allow it to occur and then escape, however bothersome that was.

"Anyone you would sell me to, wouldn't live long." She warned, "I'm immortal, so if I want someone dead they have no choice but to die." Sarah wasn't sure she would actually kill anyone, but if they were anything like normal human buyers, she wasn't sure if she would have much mercy for them, and killing them might be the only way to escape.

"Hm." Kakuzu hummed, seemingly unphased. "Hidan, were taking the girl." Sarah's heart dropped, and she huffed in annoyance. She made sure not to retrieve her other bag, it was hidden well and the Akatsuki certainly didn't need it.

"Tch, greedy fucker." Hidan cursed under his breath, before grabbing Sarah's wrist. Sarah pulled, but he was much stronger so her resistance didn't mean much. She clutched her bag tightly for comfort, and relented to walking, trying to come up with a plan.

She knew of one person that took interest in Kekkei Genkai, a weapons dealer that was shown in a filler episode from Shippuden, and she wasn't entirely sure she could escape from him. Granted, in comparison to the Akatsuki... actually no, she could handle the Akatsuki. She knew what she was getting with the Akatsuki, and she would survive them, while they would all die. She could wait them out of she could not escape.

She could not wait out this person, as he never really died.

Then again, Kakuzu might be trying to sell her somewhere else. Who knows.. it might be easy to escape from them, and think on it, she was effectively UN-killable, she didn't really know if she was actually immortal. Did she age? Could she get sick? Poisoned? What are the details?

Sarah couldn't be sure. Would she be able to starve?

Coming to think of it, she just remembered something. Kakashi Hatake. Sarah almost perked up at this, and decided that aid from the leaf was basically her only hope. Her blood was dripping everywhere, so she was certain Kakashi could follow her scent. Should she pull a Kushina and pull out strands of her hair to leave a trail? That's certainly an option...

A cheesy option, but an option nonetheless. Sarah was also sure Kakashi would find her things, and also the note among them. She had left a note in her bag written in Japanese on the event that she lost her things. It explained who she was and what she knew.

Now it would just be a matter of of waiting...

Sarah hoped that she could somehow get out of this mess...

* * *

**Right, so, yeah. Sarah is effectively immortal. Of course, she's a civilian (and will remain so) throughout this story so don't worry about her turning into some crazy OP OC. No intentions of letting that happen. **

**You want a more realistic fic, check out Theoretically Fan fiction, as I'm going for a more realistic viewpoint with that one. Yeah, in this one, OC is a lucky bastard with immortality, while also being a very unlucky bastard who always ends up in trouble. But tell me, do you think Kakashi could save her ass? What do you think of the story? Let me know in the comments! **


	3. Well Great Now I'm Screwed

_Sometimes, when you think things can't get any worse... well, it starts raining... so bring an umbrella.  
_

* * *

Sarah wasn't exactly in the best mood right now. Actually, the mood she was in currently was a mix of fear, uncertainty and anger.

She was terrified for obvious reasons, she was currently a prisoner, being taken somewhere to be sold. She didn't know if she would be able to escape from whomever she was sold to, which was why she was uncertain of her resolve to remain calm. Then, of course, she was angry for a variety of reasons.

First, she was angry at herself for not being able to do anything. Then, she was angry at the Akatsuki, for obvious reasons. She was debating over it with herself if she should just tell them she knows things in order to save herself from being humiliated in such as a way as to be reduced to property. Sarah, however, wasn't selfish enough to put the entire world at risk, so she knew she absolutely could not allow anyone to know what she knows, just for the sake of her pride.

She was immortal and could and would escape. It was just a matter of time, plus she left a trail for the Leaf to find so they should be able to track her down eventually.

For the first several hours, she pestered the Akatsuki, asking many questions about there appearance, shoes, personal life decisions, that is until Kakuzu threatened to sew her mouth shut.

This lead her to silently plot her escape, debating over different ideas, different possibilities, different outcomes, until eventually she just started to conclude the only way to escape from whomever she was being taken would be to kill them. If she didn't, they might send Shinobi after her, and she knew she couldn't outrun Shinobi.

What was troubling to her is if the person she was being taken to WAS a Shinobi. That would make her job infinitely more difficult, and should have to rely on the leaf showing up, which was more a 50/50 thing that anything solid that she could count on.

Eventually, it wasn't until they were walking along a mountain trail did she realize where they were going, and she wasn't having it at all. As soon as she realized it, well, it was oddly complicated as to HOW exactly she discovered who it was she was being brought to, but the realization hit her, so she asked.

"Kakuzu, we aren't in the Land of Rice Paddies are we?" She asked, and he gave her a gruff yes in response. She just felt her stomach drop, and she instantly disregarded any plans she previously had. "We aren't heading to... Oto... are we?" She asked, and he didn't respond.

_OH FUCK NO. _Sarah's heart dropped and she realized, she would have to escape now, or she would be screwed. _Of all the fucking fuckers they... Orochimaru... yeah, no chance of escape there. I would have to wait and somehow keep myself sane until he died... IF the bastard didn't figure out I know shit I shouldn't know. My acting is good, but it ain't that good... I cannot end up there. No, no, no, hell no. _

Therefore, Sarah make the decision to hurl herself off the cliff, falling into the river at the bottom, over 300 feet down.

It wasn't her best choice, but it was the best thing she could think of in that moment, she fell behind, pretending to pee, she'd done this before as she was often behind them. It wasn't like if she ran she could escape.

But then she got close to edge and just... jumped. Sarah plummeted down, and felt her body crash into the water, pain ripping across her body as the current dragged her under and she was dragged away in the rapids.

It wasn't as dramatic as she thought it was going to be. She could have sworn they would have chased her, stopped her, something, but they didn't go after her. Usually in fanfictions the main character has to make some kind of big get away, full of dramatic tension... but this was just a little leap of desperation, and she was gone.

She'd later think of this to be a moment of luck. In reality, she was already in the snake's den. She wasn't out yet.

* * *

Kakuzu was irritated.

The girl had just jumped off a cliff when they weren't looking, and now she was nowhere to be found. He'd been surprised when she'd guessed where they were going, but then he didn't think she would be so stupid as to through herself off the cliff.

Hidan uselessly chased after her upon realizing she jumped, but he was too late, she was gone.

Irritating, but they weren't exactly to far from another base, it was just a little beyond Oto. Still, they would have to turn around for that, the girl had wasted time.

He didn't expect her to know who Orochimaru was, being that she was just a civilian, but he supposed she might have heard of him given her disposition. Regardless, if he ever saw her again she would be in for a world of hurt. They'd found her in the land of Iron, wondering around like an idiot before deciding she might make him some profit by selling her to highest bidder. He figured Oto would pay for a girl who couldn't die, so there route was convenient.

However, he did have another target on hand, one with a high bounty. He would come back to the girl later.

* * *

I brushed hair out my eyes, shivering as I ran through the forest, carrying a muddy torn bag in my arms. I'd been lucky once again, and had somehow managed to keep my bag in all that mess. I knew I still wasn't out yet, I still needed to get past the boarder. Or, well, what I needed was to find somewhere I could hide for the night, to rest and recharge.

I didn't know how far they were behind me, I didn't know how long it would be before I would be dragged back again. What if they just went ahead and told Orochimaru there was an immortal girl running around his territory?

I shook the thought off. No, Kakuzu wouldn't do that, he couldn't profit from that. Why didn't they stop me? Did I really trick them? Oh god I cannot take the stress... I still don't even know when I am in this stupid timeline.

Dammit I hate not knowing. I hate this feeling! I need to get to a frickin map!

It wasn't long before I needed to rest, and I basically just hid inside a bush for a little while, looking through my things and jumping at every sound. Still had a compass, so that was good. No food though, lost the water bottle. All my electronics had, thankfully, not been inside this bag. My phone had died shortly before the Akatsuki had found me, and I stashed it inside that bag.

After I was sure S-rank criminals weren't after me, I would be sure to go and find it. My necklace had managed to stay on my neck, somehow. Most of my stuff was still alright, actually, just a bit wet. Once I was in a safe stop I would properly go through them and let them dry.

The night wasn't pleasant, I will say that. I was cold, wet, and miserable. I'd lost access to my phone and computer, I wasn't sure if I would wake up and be dragged away by Akatsuki.

I'll admit to crying hopelessly for a while, before summoning my courage and moving forward. I needed to get away and I would be safe. I would be OK.

I had to be.

* * *

**Well, quick escape for Sarah. **


End file.
